Why a couple’s session is a good idea before getting married

You believe you have finally found “the one” and want to make this relationship work, or at least give it the best shot you have. You are not sure whether you want to marry right away or want to test the waters by living in. Either way, you know that you value this person so much that you want this to be your ‘forever’ relationship. What you absolutely do not want is tension or a broken heart. So here’s a good idea. Set up a couple’s session and lay everything on the table before you start. Find out how to talk to each other without hurting each other and coming to an agreement, solving problems, discussing about what is most important to each of you and which needs to be taken care of.

Talk in the presence and with the help of a professional, who will be unbiased and neutral. Because she/he is not personally invested in the lives of the couples in question, she/he will know how to lead conversations between them. If you think your relationship is worth deepening, then it is definitely worth setting up that session, or even a few sessions, if need be. ‘Better safe than sorry’ is a saying. Or, in this case better prevention than rehabilitation!

Here are a few things that you could discuss to avoid possible hurdles and subsequently a breakup.

• The Past: This can become a raging issue if not discussed earlier on: past girlfriends and boyfriends, past issues with drugs and alcohol. It’s important to know what led to previous breakups or whether your partner had addictions or whether she/he was the abused or the abuser, or whether any anger issues could jeopardise your relationship. It helps to know if your partner comes from a broken home and has abandonment and infidelity related fears. It also helps to know of past illness and afflictions and genetic disorders that could be passed on. Important here also is that one is clear of what to share and what not (considering that the past is the past).

• Way of living: It is important to discuss your lifestyle, of the time you need for yourself, whether you want to live in the countryside or in the city, or you have a particular country in mind to settle in and so forth. The more you know and reveal about yourself, the more your partner can understand if there’s a match, and vice versa.

• The Future: It’s important to be on the same page when it comes to the future because that’s what couples intend to do: build a future together. Discussing life goals that you intend to have together and individually is also important.

• Money: Money problems can become the root of relationship Understand how important money is for the other person and how she/he handles money. It is best to be transparent about your debts, loans and your finances. Also, discuss how you intend to share it once you live together. Talking about things like who will pay what bills, whether you will have joint accounts or maintain separate accounts, what investments you will make, etc.

• Religious Beliefs/Faith: With more and more interfaith relationships, it’s important to iron this out right at the onset. Discuss if you want to continue practising your own faith or want your partner to convert or you want to convert. If you are an atheist, find out if your partner wants you to follow certain customs and rituals and if you think that will always be OK with you. Also, find out about food habits and find out how much does the other person is supposed to adjust to it (e.g., no non-veg at home, etc.).

• Your values: If your values differ from that of your partner’s, there will be trouble—sooner or later. The key to the success of any relationship is shared values, so find out if your core values are the same as your partner’s.

• Children: Many couples have separated over children because one wants to have and the other doesn’t. Find out whether your views regarding children match and how you want to raise them.

• In-Laws: You love your parents and siblings, so does your partner. Parents’ and siblings’ interference can cause serious damage to relationships. It helps to know your partner’s views on family and how close she or he is to family. Also, get to know her/his expectations regarding the same. Are you expected to go on family holidays? Will in-laws come over often? How much interference is acceptable? Are you expected to look after parents when they are old?

• Pets: Do you like pets? Do you intend to bring one home? Whose responsibility will it be to raise the pet? When you move in, do the pets get left behind or do they come along? Addressing such questions can give you a good idea about what to expect in this regard.

• Expectations: Knowing if expectations match is crucial to the success of long-term relationships. Confronting questions such as what your expectations are about this relationship and whether both of you are expecting marriage or only one is can clear misconceptions right away. How much alone time you want with each other? Find out about each other’s expectations regarding friends, especially if you do not have a common friends’ circle. Know what gender expectations the other has. How do you expect to divide chores? Do you expect the other to make some behavioural changes? Are you willing to change?

• Conflict Resolution: Here you can discuss problems you think might crop up (e.g., some habits you find annoying, controlling parents, job choices, etc.). There are bound to be disagreements, discuss how you intend to solve your problems. With the help of the professional, use the couple session to learn to handle problems with calmness, patience, understanding and without hurting each other.

Being a happy couple in a healthy relationship is intense and time consuming. You can make it much easier and do it with much less effort if you enlist the support of a professional. An outsider’s perspective about your relationship will help you understand yourselves and each other better. An open, unfiltered discussion before committing to cohabitation can open your minds to each other, help you understand each other much better and strengthen your relationship by creating an environment of honesty and transparency.

So call in a professional right now. Make your relationship be rock solid.

Happy care taking, Jasmin Waldmann

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Jasmin Waldmann is a well renowned international Life Coach. She guides people of any age, occupations, gender or nationality to work on their charisma, inner balance, guide how to become more successful and boost mental and physical health – and this counts for business and private life. Jasmin helps in a team-character way to a life full of joy and satisfaction.

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